pushing the right button

This morning I read an amazing  blog post by Dr. Kelly Flanagan, a writer and psychologist to whom my friend Deb introduced me. His work this morning, “It’s About Time“, spoke to the difficult relationships we all share with time. I know I do.

When I’m sitting behind my computer at work, staring at yet another spreadsheet or email, sometimes I wish for time to speed up. I will the Universe to make it 4pm. On Sunday nights, as I’m snuggling in with my partner, I wish I could inch one more hour out of the weekend. And so I beg the Universe to take me back a day or extend a few more hours to my evening.

I have watched my niece grow from a tiny, tiny baby, to an opinionated, funny 6-year old. Then I got to meet her younger sister. My grandparents have died; along with aunts, uncles, and good friends. Graduations and marriages have been celebrated. We are getting older. Time is moving.

Right now, I am preoccupied with time. There are just over 11 weeks until our leaving. My partner keeps asking me to stop counting the day, but the number is in my head. It’s just how I work. 82 days. 82 days to settle my finances, get approved for a mortgage, find a temporary place to live, find a job, pack a house, leave my job, and move our lives. In between, a contracting job to finish, an article to publish, FMLA time for surgery, and a first-year wedding anniversary. And there are at least twenty things I want to do before I leave (and the only ones I’ve planned for are PTown and whale watching). My head tells me there’s not enough time. Even when I “stop” thinking about moving, I’m creating “To Do” lists in my mind. The resounding question: How is it all going to come together?

And that’s where I have to push the button. Not the “easy” button. But the “I believe” button. Yes, I can write “ToDo” lists (and probably should). I can work on one small task each day (and likely need to). But, most importantly, I have to believe that it’s all going to come together. it just is. Whether or not we get pre-approval for a mortgage. Whether or not we find a job before moving. Whether or not I get to do everything on the Boston wishlist. It’s all going to come together.

The “I believe” button doesn’t excuse me from not completing tasks. It doesn’t delay all our deadlines until the day before we move. It doesn’t mean we’re not accountable. But, it does allow me to sleep at night and move through the day knowing that it’s all going to be okay.

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