I wasn’t going to blog. I was going to go to bed. But, I found myself curled up on top of the covers, cat by my side and wide awake and so I began this blog post.
I made gluten-free chocolate chip cookies last night- an adaptation from TheWannabeChef. And, I like them. This process of balancing a new sucralose and gluten-free diet has been difficult for me. Mainly because the changes have also been wrapped up in feelings about my body size, loss, and failure. Yes, I have come many years since being an active bulimic- literally and figuratively. However, I struggle to feel positive about my embodied self at the weight I am currently. I have shame about being this weight. I worry that I am unattractive. And, I am working on figuring all of that out.
Part of my process is cookies. Yes, cookies.
I know that to lead a balanced, healthy food life that I also need to be able to enjoy treats. Lately, I have been on the pursuit of creating a healthier gluten-free cookie that makes me feel treated. And, thanks to my kitchen pottering, I may almost be there. This cookie is chocolate-chip full, slightly dense but not too heavy, and just sweet enough.
My problem though still lies in how I dole the cookies out. Tonight, after a long day at work and the dentist, I ate cookies instead of dinner. Now, this isn’t a great choice even if they’re “healthier cookies” because they’re certainly not nutritionally sound. And, more importantly, the action leaves me emotionally vulnerable. Case in point: I’ve spent the rest of the night trying not to berate myself for cookie eating.
In domestic violence work, we talk about meeting survivors “where they’re at”. I’ve found that practice easy to do professionally. It’s easy to think about harm reduction methods with others. With myself, it’s not so easy. I judge first and pause later.
This week, I may have to not bake any more cookies. This week, harm reduction may mean no cookies. Perhaps this week, harm reduction will mean making cookies and giving half of them away to my neighbors. Perhaps it will mean freezing individual balls of cookie dough so I have to bake them off individually. Perhaps it will mean baking the cookies, but going for a walk before I eat 4 of them. Or perhaps it will meaning eating most of the batch. I don’t know. I do know that I have to figure out kindness to self no matter what my cookie baking and eating process.
What I do know, is that I’m not going to share my cookie recipe today. First, the recipe still needs a little tweaking. And second, when I share a recipe I want to celebrate it. I’m not there tonight. But, rest assured, I’ll likely bake again this weekend, harm reduction techniques in mind, and when it all comes together, I’ll celebrate that recipe here.