I’m blogging this morning and thrilled about it. It’s been a few weeks since I made the space to blog, and I miss the process in my life. I’m not sure what to write about today. Usually, there’s a theme, an experience, or a memory that rises up. I’ve usually thought about what I’m going to write about for at least 6-8 hours before sitting down to write. This morning, I woke up and thought, “I’m going to make coffee, turn on NPR, settle at the kitchen table and blog.”
My life may look more like this over the next few months- writing at the kitchen table or my desk- as, despite my “Updates” post, this fall’s plans have changed again. It now seems like I will only be adjunct teaching from now until December. So, my days are going to include much time at my computer.
At first I was angry with this change. I thought I had everything planned out right. There’d be a transition semester and then consistency in the spring. Financial “stability”. I overestimated. However, I’m not angry now. It’s taken a week, much prayer and journaling, but I truly believe that this *had* to happen. There are still things I want to do, and pieces of my self that I need to work on. For example, I’ve not yet returned to yoga even though the tightness in my calves, hip flexors, and feet tell me each morning that I need to stretch and center. I journal less often and would like to return to “basics” journaling- three morning pages to set my intentions and reconnect. I don’t have my pup on a good walk schedule and I miss our morning and evening walks together. With mid-day walking, she’s been too exhausted to do the former. PhD/DrPH applications open up this September. While I’ve researched programs, I need to look into them more deeply and begin writing my statements of purpose, collecting recommendations, and transcripts. I’ve missed blogging. And, there are other jobs out there. Those that can fulfill my need to think critically, use my professional skills in program development, writing, community engagement, curriculum development,etc., and forward my path toward academia. I miss my friends. I want to be out more with people- meetings, coffees, dancing. I want to join a book club.
And, I need to balance all of this with time to sleep, reflect, go to therapy, and take care of self. Because, despite all of the beautiful lessons of this year, it’s been tough and it still is. I am still divorced. I still am grieving the loss of friends. My first American mom is still battling stage IV cancer. I’m still recovering. My partner and I are still finding our rhythm and balance between self and us. And, financially, I’m less stable than I was a year ago.
So yes, this fall is going to look different than I expected it to. But, I’m going to have days of teaching, grading, and curriculum prep. Days of applying for jobs. Days of applying to PhD programs. Days writing. Days with yoga. Days with walking. Days with reflecting. And, likely, days with episodes of the West Wing and napping. I’m going to have Shabbos once again; time to clean on erev Shabbat, bake challah, host Shabbat dinners, and find a Shul. Time to go to services.
I see this fall as a continuation of the personal work I began this Spring and then eased off on this summer. I’ll continue learning and accepting that I cannot plan for everything, and (that even if I do plan) it’s likely that things will change. I’ll continue learning how to have my feelings, let the negative ones go and accept G-d’s higher plan. I’ll continue growing and moving toward my next path.
And, perhaps, I’ll even work on consistently finding themes to write about *before* blogging 😉