This morning I’ve been looking for a sign. In fact, for the last two weeks I’ve been wondering what’s going on with me. I’m tired. I’m finding it hard to get out of bed. It hasn’t been this way since the first two weeks after my layoff. I’m not sad, but I’m definitely apathetic.

I keep looking at these jobs in my field-program development, fundraising, nonprofit management-and I’m not really motivated by many, if any, of them. They all look like “just jobs”. I’m ready for something else. But I have absolutely no clue how to make that something else reality or even what that something else looks like.

I know what I’m good at: creating new programs, writing, public speaking, coaching others, looking at the big picture yet managing the micro details, connecting with people and building relationships.

I love gender and queer studies. I love thinking about health. I love thinking about prevention of illness and injury. About deconstructing the -isms. I like dissecting organizational structure and thinking about how to make it work better.

I need flexibility. I need to not be sitting at a desk for eight hours of the day. I need people. I need to not be working at 60 hour week for something I don’t believe in 100%.

I go to the park with the dogs and I feel complete joy. There’s such a wonderful community there. And then I wonder, how can I make this into a business? Could I? What would it take?

And then there’s the other things I want to do. I want to write a book. I want to lead creative writing workshops. I want to go to school again. Honestly, I’d love to live an alternative lifestyle and not have that 9-to-5 job. I’d love to be my own boss. I want to keep teaching. I love teaching.


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