I am lying in bed watching the glow from our Shabbat candles. Tonight, Korrie and I had Shabbos dinner for the first time in this house and together; our friend Erin joined us.
The meal was simple-beef and vegetarian tacos. The community was small. But, the love was great.
This afternoon I spent my time making challah and tidying the house. As I did a few weeks earlier, I made a double recipe- enough for a full loaf and eight chocolate knots. I wanted to be sure to have enough for the meal tonight, to give some to Erin at the eve’s end and to friends tomorrow, and for Korrie and my Shabbos’ breakfast/lunch. Korrie arrived home just as I was beginning to braid; it was nice to have him witness my process and to share the space with him. He also, in settling in for the evening, gave me enough space alone so that I could pray and give thanks.
It’s been a multi-layered emotional week. I began on Monday by leaving my family in Georgia and returning to someone I love here in Boston.
Leaving my family is always difficult, and it takes me a few days to readjust to not being with them. They are love, and leaving them is heart wrenching. Yet, I realized in returning home, that I was also returning to love and to family -in its many forms. Before Monday I’d only seen my boyfriend for 1 in 11 days. I missed him. It was significant to realize that I had missed him, and that I do feel at home in Boston even without the three closest people to me here.
On Tuesday I began a new pattern of job searching, walking, and preparing for the class I teach. This week has held joy in the forms of puppy wags and cuddles. However, it has also held stress in the realization that I am unemployed and that I feel lost in that. I’ve been saying out loud that I’m taking this time to figure out what I want to do next. Where I am going. I don’t know if I’ve been doing that this far. I’m not sure that I know how to. And, now that I am 7 weeks unemployed, I’m feeling pressure to be “back in the game” and “advancing”. I don’t know if that pressure is simply internal or if there are also external forces; likely it’s a both/and situation and not an either/or. I do know that pressure made me feel vulnerable this week.
But now, watching the last centimeter of wick burn out with flame, I feel calm. I am ready for Shabbos. Ready for my walk with Erin tomorrow morning before journaling. Ready for the yoga class I signed myself up for. Ready to deliver chocolate challah to my friends and to pick up furniture for my boyfriend. I’m ready to settle into my home. Ready to feel the love of this place- of my friends and boyfriend, of my mind and body, of giving. For at least one day to be in beauty, calm and love. The love of Shabbos and G-d.
What is beautiful about this day?
It is a Shabbat of peace.